


Where The Fuck is Patrick Kane?

by SaxuallyActive



Category: Hockey RPF, Sports RPF
Genre: Chicago Blackhawks, Drunk Everyone, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-01
Updated: 2013-12-28
Packaged: 2017-12-16 19:23:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/865678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaxuallyActive/pseuds/SaxuallyActive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jonny Toews throws a party at his house. This is the aftermath.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
> 

Jonny woke up to the soft sound of dragging across his apartment and the skull shattering hangover headache. He sat up and looked around—his apartment was trashed. Andrew Shaw was passed out in (presumably) his own sick, and had two purple hickeys on his neck. Corey Crawford was passed out in the recliner, cuddling with half a bottle of vodka and a paper plate. Jonny blinked the rest of the room in focus, and found Brandon Saad picking up everyone’s messes.

“You don’t have to do that.” Jonny whispered.

“What?”

“I said, you don’t have to do that.” He said once more, but louder. He gripped his head as his pain increased nearly tenfold.

“Dude, you got so fucked up last night.” Brandon said, dragging a bag of rubbish across the floor. Corey twitched oddly but didn’t wake up, he just snuggled the paper plate more.

“Who was all here?” Jonny asked, pushing a piece of dry pizza off his lap.

“Well, Andy, Corey,” Brandon gestured his head. “Seabs and Oduya are spooning in your bed, Ray’s got his face in the toilet, Marian is under the dining room table, Niklas is in the shoe closet, and Duncs, Bryan, and Sharp are in the guest room wrapped in a sheet.”

Jonny shook his head.

Wait.

“How about Pat?”

“In the guest room?” Brandon emphasized.

“No. Kaner.”

Brandon had the same dumbfounded expression as Jonny.

“He was doing shots off of someone’s chest, stripping to some shitty Ke$ha song, and I remember him trying to carry you around.”

“Yeah. He dropped me on a chair and it broke.” Jonny said, rubbing a tender bruise on his arm.

“So you’re relatively lucid.” Brandon said, poking Andy awake. Andy twitched and rolled over, causing the sick to get all over his shirt. Brandon kicked Andy’s side gently, and he woke up, grimacing at the light and the sick he was covered in.

“Holy fuck,” He moaned, pulling his shirt off. “Kane definitely followed up with his promise of fucking me up. Where the fuck is that guy?”

“You tell me.” Jonny said, standing up slowly to go waken Corey.

“He went to go get some more ‘munchies’ and never came back.” Andy gagged at the scent of his own body.

“Maybe we should call him?” Brandon suggested.

Jonny nodded got up without a word and wandered into his bedroom, and quietly opened his closet to retrieve his stashed phone. He glanced at Seabs and Oduya. Seabs was the big spoon.

Jonny emerged from his room, looking around at the complete chaos known as his apartment. Corey was nibbling on his paper plate, Andy was dry heaving in the sink, and Brandon continued picking up. Jonny unlocked his phone and proceeded to call the infamous Patrick Kane.

“WOO I WON THE CUP! FUCKIN RIGHTS!” His voicemail drunkingly screamed. Jonny heard a couple girls giggle in the background, followed by the sound of something falling over. “Hey!” “Assistance needed in the baked goods aisle. Assistance needed in the baked goods aisle.” “Hey! Fuck you I’m Patrick Kane! AHAHAHA!” And the voicemail greeting ended with a beep.

“Hey, we’re worried about you. You disappeared last night...uh…please don’t be arrested. Love you.”

The members of the room stared at Jonny as he held his head.

“I think he took an entourage to Dominick’s.” Jonny announced.

“Kaner is…” Corey dropped his paper plate. “…MISSING?”

“Yep, buddy.” Brandon picked up his paper plate.

“Dominick’s is only a mile away, right?” Andy asked, finally done heaving.

“Yeah, but a mile is a long stroll for a plastered Pat.” Jonny replied.

Corey smacked his hands on his cheeks, and dragged his hands down his face. “Ohh noooooooo!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whale whale whale  
>   
> 

Jonny wasn't going to bother taking his car to Dominick's, he just threw on an old brown jacket and a baby blue beanie, along with a pair of sunglasses--not for the hangover, but so people wouldn't talk to him.  
"Hey, any of you sorry fucks coming?" Jonny asked the room, his eyes darting from Corey to Andy to Brandon.  
"Let me shower, and I'll go. Can I raid your closet?" Andy asked, stripping his shirt and stuffing it into Brandon's rubbish bag.  
"Go for it. Don't wake up Romeo and Juliet, though." Jonny replied, wandering over to Corey, who was currently entranced by the telly remote. "You like that, buddy?"  
"What _is_ it?" Corey asked.  
"It turns the telly on. Watch." Jonny poked the power button and the telly turned on to a day old interview of Patrick Kane.  
"Guys!" Corey exclaimed. Jonny shot him a nasty glare, and Corey continued in a low whisper. " _I found Kaner! The telly ate him!_ "  
"He's like a toddler." Brandon said, giggling.  
"Well, you get to babysit him. Hopefully you don't have to change his diaper." Jonny said, falling onto the couch. The telly was muted, and Jonny watched Pat's lips curl into a sweet smile and part into a beautiful smile. Jonny watched as they showed amazing replays of Pat dominating the ice, celebrating a goal, and the team photo. Jonny longed to relive the moment of standing behind Pat, cupping the back of his head and smiling. Stanley Cup Champions--a familiar title that he could finally wear once more. If he tried explaining the feeling, he'd be speechless.  
"Ready." Andy said, wearing a worn out Stanley Cup Champs hoodie from 2010.  
"My clothes look cute on you!" Jonny said half-sarcastically. "Get some glasses, it's fucking sunny out."  
The two bid Brandon farewell (not Corey, because he was too busy trying to play with the cats on Animal Planet) and began to walk to Dominick's.  
They stepped onto the street and instantly felt the pang of sunlight in their skulls. It was a Thursday, and Chicago was pumping commuters through her veins. Women in pencil skirts busied themselves down the sidewalks, talking on their phones. Men conversed and hailed cabbies, and couples walked hand-in-hand, holding hot cups of coffee and giggling amongst themselves.  
Jonny was amused by the fact that they hadn't been recognized yet--two of Chicago's heroes taking a morning stroll.  
They arrived at Dominick's after about ten or fifteen minutes (give or take) to find the store almost barren of customers. A few sleepy workers milled around, stocking items and tidying displays.  
"Can you redo the 4th of July display? Some drunk guy with a mullet knocked it over last night." The manager said to a younger worker.  
"Yeah." The kid replied, sluggishly making his way back to the stock room.  
"Wait! Uh...vait!" Jonny started, slipping into a false accent. The kid turned around half-stride and looked at Jonny stupidly.  
"Can I help you?"  
"Did zoo zee zah drunk ass mahn who knocked ower zah sisplay?"  
"Uh, no. But the overnight manager probably did. He's up front trying to clean before the next manager gets here. Why? Did you know him?"  
"Yees, he vis my coosin."  
"Alright," The kid said, blinking. "Good luck, Chekov."  
The kid walked off as Jonny and Andy walked over to the other manager.  
"You're a fucking idiot." Andy commented, glaring at Jonny.  
"You want to get harassed by fans?"  
"No. But--"  
"Vell, saht up!" Jonny snapped back in his accent. Jonny strolled up to the manager, grasping his attention. "Heelo, manager, I'm vooking for my coosin vith zah mullet."  
"Him?" The manager laughed. "Piece of work, I tell you. He comes in with two blonde girls hugging his arms, talking about hockey like he's Jonathan Toews or something, and starts going crazy, knocking over things. I eventually got him out, and he started screaming at me and said he was going to Walgreens."  
"Valgreens?" Jonny inquired.  
"Yeah, so I led him out. I think the girls got him drunk. They were sober. That's all I got, boys."  
"Zank you." Jonny replied.  
" No problem." The manager looked at Andy. "Boy, what happened to your face?"  
"Oh, I was just--" He cleared his throat. "--I vash--fuck--" Andy's voice cracked. "I vas in fight with bool."  
" Mhm..." The manager passed his eyes over the two. "You two stay safe, I hope you find your friend."  
"Zank you kind sir!" Jonny beemed. He grabbed Andy's arm and pulled him out of the store.  
"Why the hell were we Russian?" Andy snarled at Jonny.  
"Better yet, who were those girls?" Jonny asked.  
"You think they got Kaner away from the party?" Andy pondered, kicking a can down the street.  
"Maybe." Jonny said softly, pushing his glasses up his nose.  
After about ten minutes of walking, the boys arrived at Walgreens, and they wandered in to find a sleepy set of staff manning the cash registers.  
"Welcome to Walgreens." A manager groaned.  
"Zank you." Jonny said back, adjusting his beanie.  
"Why could he have been here?" Andy whispered as they hid in the candy aisle.  
"No fucking idea." Jonny said as he wandered towards the back of the store. He was getting more and more worried by the minute--where the fuck is Patrick Kane? Jonny let his mind wander. How could he find his best friend? He found himself wandering by the pharmaceuticals. Hopefully Pat wouldn't be using any of them. Jonny looked down to his shoes. He looked back up momentarily to find himself face-to-face with a door that read "EMPLOYEES ONLY".  
"Lightboolb." Jonny whispered.  
"What?" Andy asked, leaning in towards Jonny.  
"Cover for me, Andy." And with that, Jonny opened the door to employee land.  
Stock items were abundant in employee land. Jonny walked through the skyscraping piles of boxes, and he found himself ducking behind a stack of hair color when he heard the faint jingle of keys.  
"...I'm looking right at them. Don't tell me what stock I did and didn't get. No! ...yes, I'm sure. Mhm."  
Jonny peeked out to find a woman chatting on the phone with someone--supposedly about how she wasn't sent a case of cereal.  
"I've been the manager of this store for ten fuckin' years. Don't tell me what to do." Beep. Jonny held his breath as she walked past his boxes. He peered out between the cracks of two cases of L'Oreal. His eyes immediately tracked onto her Blackhawks lanyard that hung from her belt loop.  
Without a single thought, she walked out of employee land, leaving Jonny alone. He popped up from his cases and jogged to the office, which was left open. He settled down into the chair, and pulled off his glasses and beanie. The computer wasn't ancient, so that was a good sign. But a single dialog box kept him from moving.  
ENTER MANAGER CODE  
 _Shit._ He saw this coming. He looked around, and found the day's schedule, and tracked down the woman manager's number. 39. Good.  
ENTER MANAGER PASSWORD  
 _Aw, fuck._ He was running out of time.  
1-9.  
The dialog box faded, and granted him access. Lucky guess. The operating system looked ancient, but Jonny got the hang of it with a few clicks. He found him self tabbing around, until he found the security camera control page. He punched a few buttons and rolled back to the early hours of the morning. At 2:37 he saw Pat approach the front doors with the two women. They conversed and sent Pat inside before they both lit up a pair of cigarettes. Jonny switched the view point to inside the store. Pat got a basket and wandered around until he picked up a 6 pack of beer, three bags of chips, and a pack of condoms. Pleased with himself, he paid for his items and met the women outside. Pat looked confused, and the blonde was explaining something to him. Pat nodded and the woman said another line and they disappeared. Jonny rewinded the tape to read her lips.  
"Let's...party...at your place?" Jonny whispered, playing the tape back again. He sighed in sweet confirmation and smiled. He's gotta be safe.  
Jonny jumped when his phone went off. He scrambled for it and answered the call.  
"You bitch, I had to ask about vitamins to make sure no one would go in there!"  
"Andy, I'm done!" Jonny whispered. "Okay? Go run into a display so I can sneak out."  
"Fine."  
Jonny put on his disguise and waited by the exit of Employee Land. After a loud crash and the scurrying of employees, he darted out of hiding. He rounded the corner by the school supplies section to find Andy laying in a pile of mechanical pencils, moaning in pain.  
"Vee need to get our shampoo and leave!" Jonny exclaimed, staring at Andy, who puckered his lips and groaned.  
"Fine! But no more Lo'real. Gives me rrash."  
The two helped out a staff member clean up the mess, and exited through the front doors, making their way to the morning sun.  
"Let's check the most obvious spot--Pat's place." Jonny said, rolling his feet over the cracks in the sidewalk.  
"I'm so hungover that I didn't think of that." Andy replied, pulling his hood down over his face more.


End file.
